Ramblings of a Mad Piggie

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The audio man

I was pissed. After my early morning (2:00 am) drive to put out our chairs for the annual parade, I came home to sleep for a 4 hrs to get back up at 5:30 so that we may commence to the annual breakfast on main street. Lo and behold, the fucking audio man put up this huge fucking contraption with microphones right on top of my blanket. I saw the local television guy and said, What the devil? What is that and why is that here? He said he was only video man and to ask audio man. Audio man came along and I said, What the devil? Why is that here? I came here @ 2:00 am to put chairs out. He said with a smile, sorry but they were taping in stereo or some shit. He said that the bad thing (ugh, more than putting it on my blanket?) was that if we talked to loud it would come up on tv. Pan to my face with a smile and evil grin. They asked for it. Maybe they'll think twice about putting it next to us next year. Throughout the parade I talked aloud (no cussing so I wouldn't embarrass mom) and held up my cell phone with its annoying free regular tone high up in the air and let ir ring. It helped my irritation somewhat.
My friend was watching from home and let me know when they were panning the street so that i could run out to the middle of the street and wave. That was fun. What an idiot. At least I was on T.V....hahahaha.
The parade was long. Very long. 4 hrs to be exact. Mom, oldest sis, hubby and their daughter all showed up. It was a smaller group than normal cause baby sis and fam couldn't come down.
The girl was in the parade on the cheer float and we all waved and as soon as she went by, the neice and I ran after all the way to the end of the parade route. That was a feat considering we had been sitting on lawn chairs for 3 hrs by now and running was not a thing our legs wanted to do. The shit you do for your kid.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The countdown...

3 hrs left to stay up and put the fucking chairs on the sidewalk for the parade that starts at 9:00 tomorrow. Jeez, we're pathetic. Its a tradition, what can i say.

Dentist part II

Hubby is still off of work due to his trip to the dentist. See earlier post. He's still sooo swollen. I can't believe it. Mom of course is looking up paralysis due to horrible fucked up wisdom toothe extractions. I of course related them to hubby and he's having a heart attack.
I came home yesterday from work and found him sititng in front of the 60" T.V. in his recliner playing the new Reisident Evil playstation game. It's been years since i've seen that fucking chair in fron of the T.V. When he was off of work for those 2 years he hurt his back, he had that fucking thing always in front of the tube. That was his only thing to do when he was off. Play the playstation or watch movies. In the first year he was off, Blockbuster told us that we had rented 281 movies. And now the dreaded chair is back in its familiar position.
Aaaah well, at least I still get to smoke!!! hahahahaha

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Have a nice trip....cya next fall.

Jesus, my mom fell down tonight. Literally. No joke. She went out to my car to talk to me and she was heading back into the house. I watched her walk away and BAM, she tucked and rolled. Or more rolled. It was like slow motion. One minute she was in her flannel pj's and nightgown and the next she was sprawled out on the grass. She didn't move. I jumped out of the car and ran over and said "don't move, Aud call your dad"....to which the girl came running out and started to panic cause she got scared. It's a horrible thing to see your parents helpless. I hate it. Seeing my mom laid out was bad. It brought up some horrible memories of my dad laying on the floor before he went. I of course didn't show it and I even got her inside and made light of the whole thing by making fun of her. Re-enacted the roll for the girl to see, so that there would be some laughs instead of tears. She said she's ok, she's only pissed that she had just found her warm flannel pj's and now there were soaking wet from the grass. I told her I was going to tell oldest sis all about it. She beat me to it.
If your reading this sis, make sure she's ok tomorrow.

The F bomb

If anyone knows me at all or have read my blog will know that I can use the "fuck" in almost any sentence. I can lay the F word down faster than you could blink an eye. It's a gift.
The boy has wanted to see "Doom" since it opened and last night hubby, the boy and I went to the 7:20 showing. Exactly 3 other people were in the theater with us. Too cool. Anyways, The Rock starred in this doomed picture. 85% of it was too dark for me to see. It was the standard alien flick that I had to sit and ask hubby, "What was that?", "What just came spitting out of his mouth?" "Where did his head go?", shit like that. I usually have to wait for the DVD to come out to see any of the real good gore up and personal. Except this one. Oh dear Lord, did this movie suck.
The worse part was that I actually cringed everytime The Rock said "fuck". I love that word. I love saying it, doing it, repeating it, expanding on it, but to have him desecrate my word was hard to listen to. He said it 7 times, I counted. Right after the first time he used it, I started counting.
1. What the fuck was that?
2. I said fucking now
3. I don't give a fuck
4. Where the fuck did it go?
5. You do what the fuck I say to do.
There were two other times he used it but I can't remember what it was. Now of course the above is paraphrasing, but u get the jist. Any ways, everytime he said it, he ennunciated like it was a big deal. What the FUCK was that. I said FUCK-ING now. It was horrible.
Thought I would just have to write that down. Don't know why, just had to FUCK-ING do it.

Missing Person

Did anybody see wehre Christine went?? She's gone!

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Oh man oh man. Hubby went to the Dentist tuesday. Let's just say, he's not back at work , he's not feeling any better, and he's still swollen. I'm talking John Merrick, Elephant Man swollen. I gots to take a picture. It's horrible. Hubby is round and short (remember?) anyways, but this is bad. His lelft side of his face is grotesquely huge. I feel bad. hahahahha....who am i kdding! I luv it. I remember all the times that I have been to the dentist this past 2 years and he would say, "oh poor baby..does it hurt?, whilst smoking a cigarette in front of me. Ha hahahahaha....oh its payback time bi--atch. smoke smoke smoke...smoke 'em if you got 'em.
I'll continute this later....work time

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

States I have visited

make your own map

Since I have seen this others page, I thought I would jot mine down also. Looky Looky all the places I've been. I hadn't realized I was such a little traveler. Seems like I have the western states taken care of....its time to hit the east coast!!!

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Booty

The girl's sprit is gonna break, I tell ya. I keep telling hubby that if he keeps up with the butt tirade, he's gonna make the girl very self conscience. Now we all take a stab at the girls attibutes here and now. We do it in a fun and very outgoing way. The Dad does it mean and hurtful. Not on purpose, but he's her dad and he doesn't like certain things on her. Last night it was the ballet outfit.
The girl decided to be a dark fairy. We got some cool looking black angel wings and we're going to get some black tights, black ballet flowing skirt. We found a black leotard and she had it on under some shorts. When we got home from LA, she took the shorts off and was running around with the leotard only. Of course, the dad had to say something. "What do you think you're wearing?
My halloween costume.
No your not, your not going out in that, you can't wear that.
Why not? I'm going to wear a skirt over it.
Your body can't wear those things, its not right.
The girl went off and changed and came back. She didn't say anything to either of us after that and soon went to bed.
I looked over to the hubby and said, "Your going to break that girls spirt if you keep up that shit.
What did I say?
You didn't explain to her why you didn't want her to wear it. You made it sound like she looked fat or horrible or something in it. Your gonna give her a fucking complex!
I guess the hubby saw his ways and called her out of bed. He gave her a hug and said,
"I didn't mean to sound so mad before. I just don't want you to wear things that expose you too much. You don't look bad, you look pretty, but your my baby girl and I'm your dad. I tell mommy that she can't wear certain tops because of her top half either, so don't take it personal. I love you and I'm sorry If I sounded upset.
That's about the best conversation I have ever head him had with his growing daughter. Even if it was about her booty, I hope there's more of that too come in the future. God knows they need it. Now if I can have him actually speak to the boy, that would be a feat. I'm gonna work on it. Slowly but surely.


This weekend was my nieces first stage appearance. She played "Slim" a skeleton dancer. It was soooo adorable. I really enjoyed the play. It was about a mother & father who had a daughter that loved a shoe salesman. The shoe salesman got in a car accident and the ghosts tricked him into signing a contract to make him a ghost so he could be near his true love. My neice went out in the beginning of the show and did a dance with the other young skeletons. She was very good. Later in the play, the young man and daugher were going to kiss and right before they kissed, my neice and another "bones" came out running with a big cardboard sign that said, "censored" and covered up the kiss and then ran off the stage. hahaha
Another part of the play was that the skeletons had snacks on platters, it was when the ghosts and humans started to interact. Well.....the neices platter was the only one that actually had real food on it...gummy worms. the poor girl, where ever she went on stage, she would get mobbed for the worms. One boy kept after her and she kept turning towards him with a mean face and said, "stop following me". She knew the rules for the rest, but I saw her hand sneak in there and grab some for herself a couple of times. We asked her after it was over and she just simply said, "well...i was hungry!"
All in all, it was a very entertaining play that kept us going for 2 hrs. I hope she'll be in more.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I just called to say I Love You....

or Not. The girl didn't call. What the deuce? I waited and waited and waited all day and night and no call. I know she's fine and she probably didn't want to stay in line to call home, but shit, I'm starting to take this personal. Ha hahahaha. I guess I'll see her Friday.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Two days, 6 hrs to go....

until I see the girl again. Jeez, I didn't think that I would miss her that bad. I started crying this morning on the way to work. Too much inside that I guess I never let out. She's supposed to get her one call today and I told her to call me on my cell phone. Phone charged and in my pocket all day. I pull it out like once an hour to check if it's still on and fully charged. A friend came over last nite for a smoke out and we sat in the garage. She asked, "You miss her?".....I sat there and nodded. "She's your partner, I figured you would."
I admit, the girl is more than my daughter. Oh don't get me wrong, I will whup the ass if needed, or ground and yell when needed, so she don't all the way have me in her hands, but she is my buddy. We talk about everything, things I would never talk to about with my own mom, but her and I have no problems, talking about boys, hygene, periods, u name it, we say it.
She's my helper at home, my shopping partner, my afterschool activities gal, my staying up late person, my stalker, my girl.
Friday can't come soon enough.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Lions...and tigers... and bears....oh my

Yep, the girl took off for camp today. A rite of passage for the 6th graders of our town. Every year, the classes get to go camping in the woods for 5 days. It runs us parents about $200.00. Five whole days without the girl. I think I'll make it.
I've left her for 5 days, but she's never left me behind for that long. She asked me last night, if I was going to cry at the bus.
Do you want me too?
"Nah, I don't want to do the whole Titantic thing", she says.
Cool. No crying. Check. I'll just wave at you.
So what do you think we did when we got there? We started talking thru the window . Be safe. Don't go anywhere by youself. Stay with your group. Don't let any bears eat you...u know the usual. As I heard the bus start up, I felt a little bit choked up but I wouldn't cry. The lights came on and I scoooted a little closer to the bus.
Bye Rose!, I mouthed to her.
Bye Jack!, she replied

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Football granny

My mom....she's never really watched the games that we go to to watch the girl cheer. She always watched every move the girl would do and always cheer for the girls. It was different this year. She knew the girls routine, she knew they were good, and she knew the girl could perform. She actually decided to take a look at the boys in between the girls cheers. She's soo fun to watch. She gets all excited. I don't know how she sees everything, but she actually does try to follow the ball as soon as it is snapped. She got soo excited today that she actually stood up and yelled when one of our boys made a touchdown. She feels bad for them cause they've lost every game this season.
Today was the last game the girl would get dressed in her 400.00 uniform and cheer for the JV team. There's one more next Sat but we'll be in LA watching my niece in her first stage performance. She will be a dancing skeleton. Yep, another road trip for me.
The girl will now be practicing for the upcoming compeition at Magic Mtn in November. Practice, Practice, Practice. The vicious circle of a cheerleader. If all goes well and they make the Nationals, she should be done in January....just in time to sign up for next years squad as a big bad Senior. Sigh.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fair Time

I could've gone to Disneyland for the amount of money we spent at the fair last night. Jeez, no wonder why we only go every other year.
It was good though. We had the boy and the girl with us with a cousin for each to go on the rides with. Oldest sis's girl came with and hubby's nephew came too. The first thing that oldest sis's girl said, "I've never been to the fair?" Never been to the fair!!, I screamed. Whaaaaaat? The girl's been on cruises, D-land everyyear, sometimes twice, beaches...etc and never been to the freakin' fair? Unheard of.
Once we got in, all $45 to just walk thru the fucking neon Entrance lights, the boys said give us the cell phone we'll meet you here in a couple of hours. HA! Good one. Now If it would have been light, I probably would have said yes, in the dark? Hell no. Oldest sis's girl said, "I am to stay with you at all times. My mom said I am not to take off without you." Ha ha ha ha. Good advice.
We went to buy the tickets for the rides. Now here's where we fucked up. I could've paid $100.00 wristabands for each w/unlimited wristbands or pay per the packet. I said there was no way they would want to ride that many rides worth the $100.00. Wrong! Should've paid the $100. We ended up getting the 80 tickets for $50.00. Stupid Stupid Stupid. Needless to say they wanted to ride the rides. No walking around, no eating, no games....rides. Damn.

We let the boys take off and do their rides (promising to stay in the ride area) and stayed with the girls. Hubby and I would stand by the ride and wave to the girls getting ready to ride. He said they can't see me wave, but I stood there waving the entire length of the ride anyways. I remember when I went on the rides I wanted to see my mom wave when I went spinning by her. I thought back to the rides my baby sis and I would go on and how excited we were to get on. Hey even if it was the merry go round, it was still fun. The girls are about the same age difference as me and baby sis. Those two get a long very well for being cousins. I enjoy watching them interact. They were both soo excited to get on and then just as excited to get off and tell us about it.

We ended up leaving around 10:00 and got to our city limit around 10:20 or so. We asked oldest sis if she could meet us halfway to pick up the neice. Mistake #1.

Hubby decided to tell her to meet us in the darkest corner of an intersection. Mistake #2.

Oldest sis came and was ready to leave. IN order to get home, she would have to cross the 2 lane road and get into the turn lane. I knew it was dark, she knew it was dark, hell the kids probably knew it was even too dark for her to try this...so, she said I'll just go down the road and go home the other way. Mistake #3.

We ended making the 15 minute drive home faster than she did. Ha hahahaha. Poor thing. Went down the wrong road, in the dark, and ended up getting lost like twice. Mistakes #4-7.

Retinitis Pigmentosa is a bitch people. Funny, but a fucking bitch.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

When shet sits around the house....she sits around the house.

Ha haha ha. Yeah, know what my physically and healthy weight challenged husband said last night?

"You know you've gained a lot of weight this month?"
I said, " Excuse me fat ass? What did you just say?"
"I didn't mean it to be so mean sounding, but it's true."
"Oh , I see, and the fucking 9 month old baby your carrying in your stomach for the last 3 years is attractive?"
"Now your all upset. I don't care what you look like. I still love you."
" Fuck you, motherfucker."

How's that for a loving conversation between man and wife.

Saturday, October 08, 2005


$40.00 on power bands to sell at Homecoming...

$62.00 on paint for Homecoming posters...

$23.00 on felt and glitter for Homecoming...

$45.00 on styrofoam visors for Homecoming...

7 hrs of time tonight putting together power bands and hats for Homecoming.....

Seeing our stadium and girls do their thing tomorrow.....

...it better be fucking priceless!!!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Mrs. Jones

I have a friend that I honestly believe she has to have everything that I have. Or at least that's what I think. Tonight I went over to have a cigarette break with her and she announces that she's refinancing (we did last week), getting a new washer & dryer (like the ones I just bought), getting a new garage door (which I need and am ordering), and now gets pink & whites (which I have). Strange isn't it? It's not just this latest. Throught the years, its been: my Altima, a month later a Tahoe (ok, granted she took it a couple of steps higher on that one.) New carpet and tile for me...new carpet and tile for her a month later. My computer room is cocoa and beige....she did dark cocoa and cream in her living room. Toe rings on my toes....toe rings a couple of months later. 60" big screen for me....52" screen for her. Cruises for me....planning on taking a cruise in Nov for her. Chevy pick up for husband.....her hubby just happens to want one too. We want to put french doors on our sliding back window...guarantee that they will have them a month later. I re-did the girl's bedroom for her birthday last year....she did the same for her daughter at her birthday this year. Digital camera for my birthday...digital camera for her at Xmas. This has been going on forever. What the fuck? I am in no way a "Joneses" and I don't think that she's "trying to keep" up me, but its crazy that this happens. Last week when hubby told her that we got the new HE4T washer/dryer her response was "Oh , i heard the dryers aren't very good on those." Oh yeah, right. Not good. So, um, why are you going to get one then!? Huh? It's always the same...."oh, I don't like that or Oh, I would never get that...and then BAM....she goes and gets it.

I think I'm gonna tell her I'm going to shave my head and jump naked off a bridge screaming "HE4T Forever." See what happens.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

The underarm man.

I have never seen such a site......or heard something as so ridulous as my husband standing here saying, "blow on my armpits"...!!! "They're on fire, mom...blow." As my head is being directred under his arms, I'm typing this and trying to blow. I'm laughing so hard that all I end up doing is spitting all over them. What a sight we make.

My hubby has the problem that if he runs out of his Speed Stick, his pits starting itching and they turn an ugly shade of black. No, not red...I did not mistype the color. Black. The drunk ass comes in from his garage and as he's trying to complete a sentence that actually makes some sense, he's itching under his arm. He ran out of his precious stick today and because he didn't want to interrupt the 12 hour drunk fest that occurs every Sunday and actually go to the store and buy some, he gets to suffer for the day.

To help this situation, he sprays the boys Axe and gives a little scream. The alcohol in the Axe seems to burn the shit out of him and then almost immediately soothes him. Don't ask me how this shit works. This is not the first time that he has done this. It just happens to be the funniest, cause he's never asked me to blow on them.

Fucking drunk.