bLOG sTILL dOWN

This sucks. I hate my computer. I can't even get on to read anymore. Evidentually it will go down completely and I will be stuck.
I'm having a friend at work build me a new computer, but I'm awaiting some secret stash money to finish out the job. So far I have a tower and a nice 19" flat screen monitor. It's going slowly but surely.

Some random updates:

- Friend R's mom is not good. I am not going into detail (even though I'm the only reader of this) but suffice to say, the Dr's told her yes it's cancer and to go home. That's never good news. It's going to be a tough couple of months for her and down the road for me.

- Gma A maybe be living with the family again. She 's not doing too well and the trains are keeping her awake at night. They used to go by only 1 or 2 times a night , now they're going like 7 - 8 times and she's not getting any rest and her rent is going up and all kinds of shit. So without asking hubby, I asked the kids what would they think of having Gma come back and live with us for awhile and they shouted an excitedly "yeah"! Told hubby and told him , if she can't find a place to come live with us for a bit until something shows up. The girl wouldn't have to share her room, we'd have to make the computer room (sniff, tear) her room. Absolutely no way is she going to move in without doors being put in the entrance though, that is my one condition and that she pay for it. No rent, no food, no electricity bill nothing. I only ask she pay for the french doors to be put on. Not bad

-The girls b day is around the corner. Jesus wept. I am going to re-do her room again. NOthing extravagant. Just paint one of her walls, new comforter/sheets and some pillows. (Remind me Auntie if you haven't already got her something I know just the thing). She's leaving the Cheetah behind and going hot pink, orange, tan's. Oh boy

-Mom is having her veins removed today. They're the swarming purple snakes that wrap around her ankles. She doesn't like them, so do something about them, and I guess she is. Big sis is in the room with her right now and just pix'd me a photo of mom lying on the bed with the Dr doing his thang. She's gonna be in pain they said, but hey doesn't all things that make you look good come along with pain. I just called and asked big sis if the "flesh eater" is done with the op, but turns out they're just getting started.

cELLS

To cell or not to cell...that is the question.

It has come to my conclusion that I spend a whole lot of time on the cell phone, but this was ridiculous. Here was the scenario.

The girl who asked the middle sis (who, yes is down for another visit) to take her to school in the morning (and yes, I tried pinching her leg, but was to far away to not make it look obvious). I knew this was going to be a cluster fuck. so this is what happened , while I'm driving to work in traffic. I made the mistake of letting the phone ring 1/2 a ring at mom's house that morning:

sister: (on cell phone) (ring ring)...j?, does the girl need a ride?
me: um, no she got a ride but thanks very much for offering
sister: if she needs anything...blah blah blah...

incoming call from mom so I hang up with sis

mom: (on cell phone) j? did you just call the house?
me:um yeah, I called to tell sis nevermind about the ride.

incoming call from middle sis again

sister: j?, the boy left the cell phone at mom's
me: oh, I'll call him and let him know...thnx

I then call the boy, who is trying to talk to middle sis and grandma at the same time about his phone.

The sad thing is that middle sis and Gma were calling from inside the very same house.

Crazy.

I made the conscious effort to turn off the phone last weekend so that I could rest in peace that morning. What I didn't do is turn it back on later in the day. My best friend R's mom got very sick and had to be rushed to the hospital. I felt so bad, I wasn't there when she needed me at a very low point in her life.

Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. That sucks.

gRAB tHE pEBBLE fROM mY hAND, yOUNG gRASSHOPPER

or some shit like that.

When I got home from picking up the girl and her friend from church group tonight, hubby said he had had a talk with the boy.

I already knew this , cause when I went in and said good nite to the boy, he said, "Mom, please don't make dad feel as if he has to talk to me." What a fucked up thing to come out of your son's mouth. But that's the way their relationship is..fucked up.

Anyways, hubby said he had a talk about life in general and how he was disappointed that he doesn't believe in God. He then took the boy over to the faucet and said, "Turn on the water. See how the water flows and comes down in a perfect stream? Ok, now put your finger in the water. See how it gets disrupted and all out of whack? That's you son. The world is at a nice easy flow and will always run that way with no distortion, until someone like you always feels that they have to put their hands in it and fuck it all up. It may not be a perfect world, but it's ours. No matter how hard you wanna believe that you don't like things the way they are, and after we're all gone, the water will still flow in a stream no matter how many times a person sticks their hand in it."

Or something like that, I'm paraphasing, but that was the gist of the conversation.

Did I tell you that my husband was a huge Kung Fu fan?

a dAY aWAY fROM hOME

Hubby woke up Saturday and said, "lets go to the beach".

Um, after the night before, I figured why not, we need to get away. Even though the kids are going to Hawaii in January, they really didn't do anything at all this summer.

So off we go for the 2 hr ride to the beach. The beach we've been going to since I was a kid. It was a nice day in the sun. The kids went out in the water and played in the sand. We even got to see a wedding happen right in front of us.

All in all it was a good time and we only argued once (on the way up there). The very best thing of all? Hubby getting shitted on by a big ol fat seagull. Right on the left shoulder and face.

Priceless!!

aND sO iT bEGINS

Thursday, first day of school for the kids. They like their classes all except the girl in her Broadcasting class. She thought they were just going to be announcing the bulletin over the loud speaker, instead of videotaping it. She of all people, the un-shy one, doesn't wan to go in front of the camera to be an "anchor". Go figure.

The boy...oh boy. That night, I looked over their homework and saw that he had to write an autobiography of himself. Just 5 short questions to be answered. Really normal questions it seems.

1. Name

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Answer: Wandering the planet in search of things.

3. If you had 3 wishes what would they be? Answer: To have silver eyes (he called them something like cybleon or some crap, I googled it but I can't remember the spelling)

4. Where is the one place you want to visit? Answer: Heaven because I am an atheist and I want to know what a Christian's view of paradise is.

Ok, so there is where I stopped and looked up and just lost it. Already , first day of school and there goes the boy back in his world. I thought we had gotten thru this with junior high, but no...silver eyes and heaven. Shit.

Now I know it doesn't seem to much of bad thing to write down, but this day and age, you can't write stuff down like that and have the teacher look at you as being somewhat "normal". The boy said, I'm sorry I'm not normal. I told him I don't know what normal is and that's not what I'm accusing you of, it's just that these teachers will see you for 42 minutes a day and that's all they're gonna know you as. As I've said before, the boy does have an imagination and one day, maybe he will be the next M. Night (as sis says) if he does great, if he doesn't , then were in trouble.

I admit I freaked out a bit and said I wasn't going to go thru this shit again this year and if it takes him to fake it and put down answers that are what everybody else puts down , then so be it, we're going to do it. Around that time, I called the boys father and told him to come home, but nooooo, he "didn't want to deal with it right now". What a fucker. I 'm not writing about the whole night cause quite frankly it exhausts me to think about it. Needless to say, it ended up with me crying my eyes out saying, "I just want my Dad back".

You see, it was the day that it was the 5th year that we haven't had him and like I said before, its actually getting harder and harder each year. I don't know what or if my dad would have made a difference in the boy's life, but I 'd like to think he would have. Just another male for him to be around other than his dad maybe would've made a difference in his life. I called up my insurance and asked for a list of dr's that maybe he could talk to and feel better about this "world". I think I'm going to go for some sessions myself. Something just ain't right.

He ended up changing his answers later that night...

3 wishes? Answer: To have a million dollars and buy a new house

visit? Answer: Hawaii so that I can see the sun set.

From one extreme to the other I tell you.

bLOG dOWN

Ok, now I know something is wrong with my computer. I know it has some kind of fucked up virus but I've been tooling around the internet so far so good...until last week. I can't get onto blogger now.

So, NOW its serious. I have to go to search and then search myself to even find a way to get on. It sucks. One of the guys is building me a computer but I don't know when it will get finished. The oldest sis has said she'll post whatever I wanted to write for me though, so that I won't go blogger-less. Thnx sis.


No prob!

sO mUCH fOR mY gOOD dEED

Well, karma did not come to me for my good deed I did yesterday.
I went and got gas this morning and got a car wash for 5.00, and I fucking forgot to get the tag as I drove off.
What a loser.

tHANK yOU mASTERCARD

Thanks to my trusty ol mastercard, the boy and girl went shopping this weekend....and I'm exhausted.

Saturday morning, bright and early (bright and early for me that is)we left our small town to go up north to the mall. By 12:30 we were at said mall ready to shop. Me, mom, the girl and the 2 nieces. Lord help me. Trying to rein in the two little ones, lead mom and help the girl pick out clothes was a task. We ended up leaving 6 1/2 hrs later with 4 shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, a pair of knickers a backpack and school supplies. Not very good considering the amount of time I spent on my feet, in flip flops no less. My body wasn't made for little girls and shopping. By the time we got back to mom's, I sat outside, lit up a cigarette and watched the girls ride the skateboard into the street. Hey I was tired, if they wanted to ride into traffic, so be it for me to stop them.

Sunday morning, it was me and the boy's turn. We left around noon and 3 1/2 hrs later we were done. It was soooo easy. One stop shopping. Went into the store, which was having a huge sale, 20% off of everything if you had the coupong. But of course my coupon was sitting in my mailbox. We ended up getting 4 pairs of jeans, converse sneakers, 3 shirts, underwear, socks, undershirts, and a vest. When going up to pay, a woman asked if I had my coupon and I said no...she whipped hers out and said here take mine!!! How's about that! I ended up saving 56.00 because of her. That was a nice treat. After that, we just decided to walk up and down the mall (again , I was in flip flops) to check things out. An hour later, we went back up to the store with the sale and I went right up to the mens section to give my coupon to someones else that didn't have one. It took a couple of try's but I found a man who was next in line to check out and noticed he didn't have one. So I gave him my borrowed one. One good deed done for the day.

Once home, I had to go grocery shopping with R and we spent another 1 1/2 in that store....in flip flops still!!!!

I sit here totally exhausted and actually can't wait to get to work so that I can sit my fat ass in my chair (in flip flops)and not have to walk anywhere.

rEGISTRATION

Today is another milestone in the J house. The boy went off this morning to register for high school.
Last night, (the procrastinator that I am, of course) started to fill out all the paperwork and checks for the next day. Let's see: $50 for the student card, $65 for the yearbook, $20 for the pe clothes, $28 for the pictures...that's it. I think I got everything covered. Now this is of course on top of all the other "school supplies". Backpack, binders, folders, notebooks, pens, pencils, erasers, compass, protractor, highlighters, colored pencils, ....and on and on and on. The only things I don't have to buy are the glue sticks, pencil boxes, lunch pails and color crayons...cause Hey, he's in high school now! So long gone are those "kindegarten" purchases such as: candy for the class for Halloween, cupcakes on birthdays, xmas present for the teacher and such. In its' place are : money for the snack bar, money for the football games, money for the dances, and money for the soda on the walk home from school.
And to make things worse, the girl is starting junior high.
Lord help me.

a dAY aT tHE pARK

Today, I took the nieces to the park while the girl had cheer practice.
On the way, this was the conversation.

K: "Sister wants to go to Suds City (a water park) for her birthday.
C: "No, I don't"
K: "Yes you do. You just can't go on any of the rides. We went there auntie and C was to short to go on anything. We wasted a lot of money for nothing"
C: "Be quiet, K, don't make fun of me"
K: "I'm not. It's ok, C. I would rather be shortest than the tallest."

Is that the sweetest thing ever? The K of the story is the niece who is 5 and C is her older sister who will be 9. She was trying to make her sister feel good about being short. Awwwwwwww.

August 7th, 2006

Time flies doesn't it? Today is Dad's birthday. It's been 5 years today since we all got together at my house for his 65th B-day. His surprise birthday. We got him into the car with the pretense that he was going to his favorite spaghetti restaurant for dinner. We pulled into my driveway and said, "Dad, we just planted new grass in the backyard, come and look real quick!"
He went into the house and BAM, family galore. Brothers, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends....you name it, they were there. We made sure Dad took a picture with everyone, cause we bought a nice book we were going to put those pics in him for memories. We never got around to putting those in the book. Dad passed away 10 days later.

Did he know? Is that why , he agreed to all the picture taking in the first place?

Is that why he paid his beer tab at the local liquor store 5 days earlier?

I went in the store and got some cigarettes and of course the guy knew my dad, I told him that he passed away and he got a strange look on his face. He said that dad had gone in there just that week and wanted to pay his tab. It seems that he went in there and always bought beer on a tab and paid monthly or some sort. Questions and no answers...for now.

Two years earlier, Dad came over to the house to drink with Paul and the guys. He handed me a piece of paper with his handwriting on it and told me to keep this. I started to look it over and he said just put it away somewhere. I laid it on the table and forgot about it. A week later, I found it again and put it in a can in my laundry room. Two years later, I found that piece of paper a couple of weeks before he died. Sitting at the funeral home, they asked if we had a psalm or poem that we wanted in the announcemnet. I jumped up and said "wait" and ran off to the house. That's what he wanted.

Was I supposed to find it right before he left us?

Another question and no answer.

I had a nightmare the other night. I couldn't remember it, other than I tried again to talk to Dad and couldn't. I screamed and hubby shook me awake.

It seems to be getting harder for me, not easier. I put on a good front and I still am the one who laughs and makes the jokes and tries to make everyone else feel better, but I think I'm losing my touch. I could write about him all the time and I really want to , it's just that I don't think I could really ever look back on those posts. I'd prefer to keep it all inside of me...for now.

I miss my dad. I want to talk to him soooo bad. I need him right now.

But for now, I know that he's watching over us all now and we'll wait until we see each other again.....so I better start being a good girl so I can get a pass upwards.
____________________________________________________
Here's what Dad wrote:
Death is no fearsome mystery
He is well known to thee and me
He hath no secrets he can keep to trouble any good mans sleep
Turn not thy face from death away
Care not he takes your breath away
Fear him not.
He's not thy master rushing at thee
Faster, faster
Not thy master but servant to the maker of thee
what or who created death, created thee
and is the only mystery.

tO bLOG oR nOT tO bLOG

I told my friend R that I BLOG. First of all she didn't know what it was and second of all, she looked a litle shocked after explaining it to her.
We've been friends for over 10 years now. She's a good strong independent woman who I consider a close friend. She's been there thru the kids potty training, first days of school, games, hospital visits, my dad's passing, and all around go-to person. When your in a bind, she's always there trying to help solve the problem or she knows when to just listen to the ranting and ramblings. Oh don't get me wrong, when I say "strong, independent", that's exactly what I mean. She's a stubborn ol girl sometimes, but that's just her.
So in passing yesterday, I said that I have Blog and then proceeded to tell her what it was. She sat there open mouthed and couldn't belive that I would just put down my life in a journal that all could just pick up and read. That's just not her cup of tea. She likes her privacy and is well guarded.
I like blogging. I like looking back thru the year and see what's going on in my life, cause God knows that I wouldn't remember half of this shit if it wasn't written down.
In a nutshell , this is my life. An everyday (or every week) journal of who I am, where I was at in this time, and where I think I'm going. It tells stories of my kids, my hubby, my family, work , friends and enemies. Now that some people read all this and care to leave a comment or two is an added bonus. It lets us know that we're not insane (or that we are) or alone. It's actually quite nice knowing that there is this huge community of bloggers that sometimes stop by to read up on your going's on and makes them think of their own situations and stories.
I don't see anything wrong with this.
"Hi, my name is J and I'm a blogger!"