August 7th, 2006

Time flies doesn't it? Today is Dad's birthday. It's been 5 years today since we all got together at my house for his 65th B-day. His surprise birthday. We got him into the car with the pretense that he was going to his favorite spaghetti restaurant for dinner. We pulled into my driveway and said, "Dad, we just planted new grass in the backyard, come and look real quick!"
He went into the house and BAM, family galore. Brothers, sister, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends....you name it, they were there. We made sure Dad took a picture with everyone, cause we bought a nice book we were going to put those pics in him for memories. We never got around to putting those in the book. Dad passed away 10 days later.

Did he know? Is that why , he agreed to all the picture taking in the first place?

Is that why he paid his beer tab at the local liquor store 5 days earlier?

I went in the store and got some cigarettes and of course the guy knew my dad, I told him that he passed away and he got a strange look on his face. He said that dad had gone in there just that week and wanted to pay his tab. It seems that he went in there and always bought beer on a tab and paid monthly or some sort. Questions and no answers...for now.

Two years earlier, Dad came over to the house to drink with Paul and the guys. He handed me a piece of paper with his handwriting on it and told me to keep this. I started to look it over and he said just put it away somewhere. I laid it on the table and forgot about it. A week later, I found it again and put it in a can in my laundry room. Two years later, I found that piece of paper a couple of weeks before he died. Sitting at the funeral home, they asked if we had a psalm or poem that we wanted in the announcemnet. I jumped up and said "wait" and ran off to the house. That's what he wanted.

Was I supposed to find it right before he left us?

Another question and no answer.

I had a nightmare the other night. I couldn't remember it, other than I tried again to talk to Dad and couldn't. I screamed and hubby shook me awake.

It seems to be getting harder for me, not easier. I put on a good front and I still am the one who laughs and makes the jokes and tries to make everyone else feel better, but I think I'm losing my touch. I could write about him all the time and I really want to , it's just that I don't think I could really ever look back on those posts. I'd prefer to keep it all inside of me...for now.

I miss my dad. I want to talk to him soooo bad. I need him right now.

But for now, I know that he's watching over us all now and we'll wait until we see each other again.....so I better start being a good girl so I can get a pass upwards.
____________________________________________________
Here's what Dad wrote:
Death is no fearsome mystery
He is well known to thee and me
He hath no secrets he can keep to trouble any good mans sleep
Turn not thy face from death away
Care not he takes your breath away
Fear him not.
He's not thy master rushing at thee
Faster, faster
Not thy master but servant to the maker of thee
what or who created death, created thee
and is the only mystery.